Sir, my lady
by Addicted 2 daydreaming
Summary: Alanna is having doubts about becoming a knight, Jonathan is coming onto her more and more each day. The others are starting to get suspicious, is her secret about to come out, before she achieves he dream? Starts just after the kiss
1. Chapter 1

Sir, my lady.

Alanna is having doubts about becoming a knight, Jonathan is coming onto her more and more each day. The others are starting to get suspicious, is her secret about to come out, before she achieves he dream? (Starts just after the kiss and she thinks Jonathan has gone to Delia)

1:

Alanna of Trebond looked across the city from her window. The little light there was cast a faint glow across the city. She let her breath steam out in a swirl of mist that quickly disappeared. It was beautiful; the sky was lit with a cascade of stars and the glow of the waning moon. It helped her escape from her thoughts, and there was much to think about.

She felt someone's eyes slip around her waist and pull her to them. Subtly she pulled her knife and spun around. The knife pressed against the stranger's neck, she glared through the dark, trying to make out his face.

"Relax, it's me." He said, curling his fingers around Alanna's wrist. She pulled away fast and sharply and slid the knife back into its scabbard. And backed away from him.

"Jonathan, you scared me, what are you doing in here?" Her fingers brushed the window sill, she was trapped. Jonathan skillfully walked towards her and caught her waist with his arm. She didn't want this, she couldn't tell him, the feelings she had must be buried. "What are you doing here?" He smiled and looked past her, outside. Suddenly he lifted he up and sat her on the window sill

"It's a long drop and I wouldn't want to drop you." He leant towards her, but she leant backwards, until he pulled her up and kissed her. She felt hot against him, it was so tempting to let go of herself. She slid her hands up his chest to his shoulders. He wasn't wearing a shirt; he was barely dressed at all. She pushed him away, hard. He barely even stumbled. This annoyed her, she felt as if she wanted to hurt him.

"Get out! Get out now!" She screamed, falling against the wall. She wouldn't cry, she wouldn't look weak in front of him. He pulled her up and hugged her, only to be pushed away again. Alanna pounded her fists, uselessly on Jonathan's chest, her strength ebbing away. When she stopped, she took a step back and fell to her knees. "Go…now." She whispered, hanging her head, refusing to look at him.

"I can wait Alanna, you'll accept it eventually." He opened the door between their rooms and stepped through. Before he closed it he whispered through the gap "I love you Alanna." Alanna picked up the closest object to her, one of her boots, and threw it at him, pure rage raining through her.

She had to talk to someone and with her most trusted confident being the problem, there was only one other she could go to, the king of theives

She pulled on her clothes, quickly and silently, praying with all she had that Jonathan wasn't laying awake and could hear her every step.

She opened the door with a slight creek, she winced at the sound. She would have to do a week of mucking out the horses most likely or the dreaded algebra every night for the rest of her life if she was caught. It was a painfully long walk out of the castle but she managed to work her way and dodge anyone who might have "interest" in why she was walking the corridors this late.

As soon as she slipped out of the door, she took a deep breath of the cool night air and ran, flat out to the dancing dove. Alanna pushed open the door to a typical scene. The late night drinkers were dotted around; some were just holding onto the edge of being sober, others had sunk deep into the territory of a hangover the next morning. She walked up to the bar and threw the remainder of Solom's ale onto his drunken head.

Solom woke up with a start. "Master Alan, you'll be here to see the king. 'Ere, he's upstairs, warn 'im you're coming in this time." She walked through the back and upstairs to George's door. She knocked loudly, her knuckles beating, hard against the wood of the door. There was no answer but that of slight snoring from behind the wood.

She opened the door with a bang which sent George into a frenzy as he woke up to the noise. "Goddess Alanna…Oh Mithros, I'm almost bare! Turn away, while I put some clothes on." Alanna turned away until he called to her. "So what's troubling ye lass?" He said, gesturing for her to sit down, she ignored him.

"Tell me what you know of love." George only laughed, this made Alanna scowl deeply. She needed his support, not his jokes.

"And what makes your-stone-hearted-self ask such a question?" Alanna couldn't contain herself any longer, her shoulders heaved with heavy wracking sobs and she fell into a chair, her sorrows pouring out and showing themselves to the world. "Alanna. Tell me, what's happened?" She tried to hide her face from George, weakness wasn't a trait a future knight could afford, it allowed one's enemy to get in and attack. He raised he face so he could see hers

"I…it's hard to explain." She said. She wanted so badly to pull away but something stopped her, the look her gave he held her in her place. He stood up and pulled his fingers through his knotted hair.

"When are you going to learn? You can trust me with anything. I know ye been at ye window most of the night. What's wrong?" Alanna paused before looking away, trying to think of a way of reliving it without it feeling painful. It wasn't possible. But she said it anyway.

"Jon, he…I…he kissed me." George looked horrified, it was the reaction she had expected but had hoped not to see. She turned away, ashamed. She shouldn't have come, she shouldn't have told him, she should've just forgotten and ignored it, but she hadn't. She needed to run, far and fast, leave it all behind.

"What?! How? What happened?" Alanna took a deep breath and turned to face him. She would have to tell him…everything


	2. Chapter 2

Sir, my lady.

2:

George sat with his head in his hands; he could barely take in what Alanna had told him. Alanna herself fixed her gaze on him, expecting him to say something to justify what she had just told him. "He's the prince Alanna, why?" he said shaking his head in complete dismay. He could no find a way of seeing it that wouldn't make it hurt.

Alanna crumpled to the floor. Her shoulder shook with heavy sobs and her tears fell upon the wooden floor. She wiped them away furiously; tears were a sign of weakness, knights of Tortall were not weak. "He kissed me." She said in the slightest of whispers. It did not feel any better saying it out loud. Saying it just sealed the fact that it had happened. "You cannot believe that I do not exercise feelings for him?"

George came and stood next to her. He picked her up as if she were as light as a feather. "I think that ye feel how ye feel lass, I have nothing to do with it." Alanna buried her head in his shoulder.

"I don't know how I feel, in a way I was hoping you could tell me." She knew he couldn't but she had asked anyway, he looked almost hurt as she had said it, ashamed that she had asked. He put a hand on her shoulder in the hope that it would comfort her, but it only made her flinch. "Nobody can tell ye how ye feel, Alanna. And anybody who tries is wrong"

Alanna sighed and turned away from him. "I cannot say that I don't have feelings for him, but neither can I say I do." George took her hand, gently. His skin was rough and callous next to hers. She looked up to his face and almost smiled. "I have got myself into such a mess George, and I don't know how I'm going to fix it."

George smiled at her, warm and knowing that made Alanna glow inside, despite the circumstances in which she had gone there. "He's a prince, lass. He doesn't know what he's doing anymore than you do." Alanna turned away. How could she measure up to the feelings of a prince? The feeling that he felt as lost as she was slightly nauseating, but at the same time ridiculous. "And I doubt he's used to being kissed by girls of a lower status than princess or lady." Alanna's head whipped around. Utter shock was reflected in every move she made at the statement George had just made.

"What?! So I'm not good enough for the feelings of a prince of Tortall?" She said. All attempts at keeping calm were thrown out the window with any self dignity she had been clinging onto. She did not want to admit to herself that it was true, even if it were. She still held the shreds of hope in her heart as they ran between her fingers and trickled away.

"Alanna, I didn't mean that. You are worthy of the feelings of a king, but not him. He does not know you or your feelings." George's voice was full of pleading His cries fell upon deaf ears though. Alanna glared in anger at him, her eyes spitting poison. What did he know? He knew nothing of court life and certainly nothing of her feelings.

"And I suppose you know the workings of my heart like the blade in your bed sheets. "Worthy of a king" ha! You may be the "King of thieves" but you are not worthy of my feelings and you shall have none of them." Alanna turned on her heel and stalked out. She held her head high and ran out of the Dancing Dove. George came thundering down the stairs after her but did not venture out for lack of shoes or protection from the icy winds.

Alanna did not look back as she ran, she couldn't. If she looked back, she may lose some of her steel and give into George's pleas. She could hear his shouts from the doorway of the inn, calling her back to him. She ignored them. Her only thoughts now were to getting back to her room without being spotted

"Alanna come back!" She did not turn as she ran through the poorly lit streets back towards the castle. She did not look back as she ran. She made her way amongst the buildings, looking around any corner for a sign of anything. She moved quickly back to the castle before she was spotted. The last lights in the castle were dim and hopefully soon to been turned out.

Alanna's hand felt the cold metal of the back gate and pushed it open. A hand fell on her shoulder and pushed her against the stone of the wall. Her hand scrabbled at her belt for a weapon of sorts but her hand was held against the wall. "Don't scream." A voice said in her ear, she struggled in her attackers grip. "Let me go and I'll have no reason to," She freed a hand and pushed the figure away.

He stumbled backwards into a rose bush and yelped as he caught his hand on the thorns. Alanna scrambled through the gate and swung it shut behind her Fear pumped its way through her veins making her alert and scared. Blood pounded in her head as she ran, she couldn't think, she just ran. The gate banged shut as the figure came through. He was faster than Alanna and soon caught up. He grabbed her around the waist and held her still.

Alanna struggled in his grip. "You don't really want to hurt me do you Alanna?" His voice was smooth and silky in her ear, she stopped moving. "Who are you?" The figure released Alanna and lowered his hood. "Someone who loves you." Alanna stared at him and started to back away. "I…Jon please, don't." He looked exasperated and annoyed at Alanna's behavior. "When are you going to stop running from your feelings for me, you act as if you were made of stone. You appear emotionless and strong but in truth you are just scared, scared of me…of us." Alanna stared into his eyes. There was such sincerity and hope behind his words that made her want to run into his arms and feel his embrace. But she couldn't, George was right, he was the prince and she had no right to mess with his feelings.

"There is no us, only your wild and unreachable fantasy." She said coldly as she turned to walk away. She had not meant the words in the slightest, but she hoped Jon had thought she did. "You don't mean that." Alanna did not turn back, she did not even answer. "Alanna!" She could not allow him to be amongst her thoughts any longer. "ALANNA!!! PLEASE!!!" She did not love him; his feelings were imposed by the fact that he couldn't have her. It was only lust and lust could be resisted.


	3. Chapter 3

3: 

Alanna's hand gently caressed the wood of the locked chest at the end of her bed. It was smooth and well polished. Its contents were her feeble attempt at becoming a lady again. For all her attempts, all she had achieved was putting thoughts into Jon's head that had no right to be there. He was set to be king of Tortall one day and, noble she may be, Jonathan needed someone like Lady Delia at his side to advise him and be a lady and all regal things that Alanna knew she could never rise to. Jonathan would be with Delia now, finding solace in his unsuccessful attempts on Alanna.

Alanna could not help the feeling Delia gave her, it was a sense that she held a secret. Beneath her charm and witty flirtations, Delia was up to something. Because of who she was it could be assumed that it was a simple ladies game, to get a place at the prince's side was an important one indeed. But Alanna could not settle on that assumption, Delia made her restless.

Sunlight came through the crack between the curtains, symbolizing the dawn. A new day, yet another one with Jonathan. She could not bear the look in his eyes when he looked at her, or tried not to. That pained look flooded her with guilt and misery that she could not bear.

"Squire! Get up! You have work!" It was not the warming Jonathan that came and shook her awake when she didn't want to wake. It was the heartbroken Jonathan trying to move on but couldn't help feeling hurt.

She turned to the door, a glare within her eyes. The tears she had shed over her feelings for him had grown cold and turned to tears of hate. Stone enclosed her heart and solidified her feelings. The feeling which held her in her place as his squire and nothing more. It was all she desired now to become a knight, and that was all a squire should dream of.

She ran down to the yard, late for archery practice. She ran panting to where a very annoyed Sir Gareth was standing, waiting. "Squire Alan, thank you for gracing us with your presence. Care to tell us why you are late?" Alanna panted and gasped, trying to regain her breath yet only managed a shrug "Well as you're so dismissive of the fact that you were supposed to be here ten minutes ago, I guess it will not harm you to show the same attitude towards cleaning out the horses for the next week."

Alanna regained her breath and stood up straight. Sir Gareth glared at her as she stood there. "Yes sir Gareth". Alanna picked up her bow and quiver and stood opposite her target. Her eyes focused on the centre circle, a red spot about ten feet away. She lined the bow with her line of vision, her fingers curled around the string, pulling it back to her ear. Jon was good at archery, better than her, he was good at everything. She shook the thoughts from her mind and loosed the arrow.

The arrow whipped through the air and hit the red spot in the centre perfectly. "Excellent Alan! A perfect shot, the rest of you should follow Alan's example" The other squires showed their appreciation for her shot. Jon better indeed, what had she been thinking? _You were thinking about how much you love and admire him_. The voice made her jump; Faithful had been unusually quiet lately and had chosen to speak up on the most inadequate of subjects.

_I do not love him, he is simply the knight I serve, and that is all I wish him to be._ Alanna placed another arrow in her bow and aimed again. Just then Gary, Jon and Raoul walked into the yard, hoping for some space for sword practice. From where they were standing behind her she heard Raoul's voice. "Hey it's Alan." Alanna didn't falter from her shot as she drew back the string. She heard an almost cold voice behind her "He's not that good, he wont hit dead centre" Alanna almost shuddered at Jonathan's words. She clutched her bow and let loose the arrow. It soared through the air and hit the target, just off the centre.

Raoul clapped a hand on her shoulder in congratulations. "That was a brilliant shot Alan! Straight motion through the arm, beautiful." He said, sweeping his arm in the motion of a bow and arrow. "A straight to the centre shot. You'll make a good huntsman Alan. Maybe we'll take you on our next hunt" She nodded, absentmindedly. It wasn't a centre shot; anyone with half decent eyes could see that. Jon had seen that, that was, if he had bothered to look.

"I think I might have to persuade my father to take you out for a celebration of your magnificent archery skills." Gary said with pride and swagger. Alanna could not suppress a smile on my face at this, neither could Raoul. Raoul gave Gary a punch in the shoulder and laughed.

"Gary we all know that's just your excuse to flirt with that barmaid in the dancing dove or "Gaze into her eyes, as dazzling as moonlight" as you would put it" Gary went scarlet and rubbed his shoulder, trying to mask his embarrassment. Alanna smiled and looked between them both.

"Well I guess we cannot deny Gary his "Star-gazing while you have a pint or two, but I must stay at the stables, I am to muck out the horses for the next week and it wouldn't help if I turned up drunk on the first day. You go on without me" Raoul shrugged and pulled Gary towards the exit. Jonathan turned to follow.

He obviously shared her opinion that whatever passed between them would be bad, so it was not worth the passing of it at all. And that was how it should be between a prince and his squire.

Gary and Raoul continued to fight over Gary's barmaid as they left the yard. Alanna turned to enter the stables, assuming the crunching of the gravel behind her, meant Jonathan was walking away. These thoughts, however, were wrong.


	4. Chapter 4

Sir my lady

4: 

Jonathan grabbed her shoulders and pushed her into the shadows of a doorway. "How long are we to hold out feelings back in cages of decency and propriety? Damn them all if we know we feel love unconditionally as I know we do." Alanna pushed him away, disgust in her face and hatred in her eyes. He took a step away from her, almost upset but still he held his ground. She shrank back against the stone was, the stone rough yet comforting beneath her fingers.

"I have no that mirror the expectations you have of me, your highness" She could no longer look at his face without a sour look, she could no longer look into his eyes without wanting to draw a sword to his heart yet before she had looked upon him with fondness. The only fondness had been suppressed with an iron boot, never to rise up again to the surface.

"Alanna, listen to yourself! You are deluding yourself that you cannot feel love. But you can, and do. I tell you now that you can feel love and compassion and who you give your heart to is your choice, but if it were mine, you would be enclosed in my arms, protected from the dangers of the world, yet you hide yourself in corners and denials, cold...unfeeling." Jonathan gently put a hand on her face, hoping that she would see beyond the painted veil she had cast between them, but it made no change. Alanna still held her heart in ice, far beyond the reach of his sweet and tempting words.

Alanna turned from him so he should not see that tears welled in eyes. Having her feelings so smothered by Jonathan's warmth made her feel as if she were drowning in a pool that had no edge, making sure that in time she would drown "As you so clearly express, my feelings are mine to do with as I will and I choose for them to stay my own, they are not yours to own or control."

Jon's normally warm and happy eyes were full of distress and hurt. He was tearing himself apart for an imaginary dream that could only exist inside their captured minds. But if it was a dream, it was a dream they both shared. Yet in the back of Alanna's mind, something was turning it into a terrible nightmare. "I do not force you to give up your feelings Alanna, I only wish you not to lock them away." She ran her hands through her hair and turned back to him, full of annoyance and disbelieve at his loosening grip on reality.

She backed against the wall, shaking violently but trying to show no emotion whatsoever. "How long have you remained under the delusion that I could love a prince of Tortall? Not only can I not, but I have no ambition to love any man only to become a knight" He grabbed her arms and held her still. Alanna averted her eyes and looked anywhere but into his, she most certainly couldn't look into his eyes.

He sighed deeply and fell against the opposite wall and slid down it, his eyes not meeting her face. "I cannot battle with you any longer, not only does it hurt me to hear you talk of me in such a cold dismissive manner but I do not have the heart to tell you that your ideas are senseless and you cannot stop your emotions." Alanna looked at the floor coldly. She couldn't stand the tension any longer.

"Go now, just go." Jon didn't move. His head slowly raised his head. His eyes met hers in a stare that showed no emotion. He had poured out his heart to her and now there was nothing left to say.

"Alanna, I feel sorry for you." Alanna felt the heat and embarrassment welling up inside her. He has just reminded her that she had no place talking to him at all. She was a page and he was the prince. She was just a lowly servant whose opinions didn't matter but had to hang onto every word his royal highness said to her.

"GET OUT! I'M TELLING YOU NOW, GET OUT!" She screamed, the words ripping and tearing as they burst from her mouth. How dare he treat her like a servant? After everything he had done to her, after everything they had been through! Jonathan flinched and walked out.

He stopped in the doorframe but did not look back. He had to have the last word, to inflict his superiority on her one last time. "No matter what, your unfeeling heart cannot deny me, or my feelings for you." Alanna's heart thudded, she didn't move an inch until his footsteps had died away.

As he walked away Alanna buried her face in her hands and slowly slid to the floor. Tears made tracks down her face and she angrily wiped them away. Was Jonathan so naïve that he could not see that she could not love him the way he asked? "I do not love him, I do not!" She shouted to herself.

_You can keep telling yourself that but you know it's not true. _The little black cat said, slinking in from behind the doorframe_. You and he are meant, it's only you who can't see that._ Alanna turned on the cat, furious. His eyes were wide and innocent, the same vibrant lilac as her own.

"Shut up! Just, SHUT UP YOU STUPID CAT! WHAT exactly do you know?" Faithful gave her and upset and reproachful look and stalked out. Immediately Alanna felt sorry for taking out her anger on the cat and wished it would come back and talk to her, she felt so alone. Only the sound of the horses and the shouts of men in the yard could be heard.

A new voice cut through the air, pulling Alanna from her peaceful reverie "He seems a pretty clever cat to me." Alanna jumped at the new voice then relaxed as she saw the figure of Myles standing in the doorway to the stables. "I guess so." Alanna shrugged and leant against the wall.

Myles gave her a disapproving look looked around the stables. Alanna followed his gaze, wondering what he was looking for. "Anyway, didn't duke Gareth assign you to mucking out the horses?" Suddenly she remembered the real reason she was in the stables and looked wildly around her.

"Oh, err…Yes" Alanna turned and grabbed the shovel and bucket that she had neglected upon Jonathan's entrance, and looked back at Myles, poised to begin work. Myles smiled, He was as aware as she that she had not done any work until the point of which he had mentioned it.

"Well then, I shall leave you to it" Myles smiled and left the stables, leaving Alanna to her work. She slowly shovelled and swept and thought as the afternoon passed itself away. Alanna fell deep into her thoughts. They all swirled around her head in a jumbled cluster that it gave her headaches to try and put into any sort of order.

In her mind it seemed that all her problems would be solved with the coming of the ordeal. But she could not help but think about Jon's face when he had left the ordeal chamber. Some part of him had died in there, a piece of his soul ripped away from him by the events that had befallen him in that room. Alanna could only imagine what those horrors could be, but one thing was certain in her mind. While they lay ahead of her, she could not lay thought upon the events after the ordeal. All her fear and excitement was fixed upon that one room.


	5. Chapter 5

5:

Faithful slunk in and out of Alanna's legs as she walked drearily towards Duke Roger's magic class. He had an air of content about himself as Alanna scooped him up and placed him on the shoulder he'd previously been exiled from.

"You can't come into the class, you know. I don't want Roger knowing about you." Alanna said under her breath to the little cat. Faithful simply licked his paw a couple of times and inspected it thoughtfully, completely ignoring Alanna's statement.

_I fail to see how my meeting Roger can do anything. He already knows you carry me around everywhere._ Alanna set the cat down as she reached the door of her class and looked at it. At the moment she reached for the handle the door opened making her stumble backwards. Duke Roger stood framed in the doorway. He had a powerful and intimidating look in his eyes as he gave her a scrutinizing glare.

"Alan, you seem to have acquired yourself a companion." Roger said, gesturing behind her. Alanna turned to see that Faithful had not moved from the spot she had set him down and was now licking his paws and occasionally throwing her challenging looks as if daring her to move him along. For a cat, he had a bit too much of an attitude.

"Oh, it's not mine, it must be a stray." She said, nervously, hoping that Roger wouldn't notice the nerve in her voice. Faithful glared at her with an outraged look, clearly being called a stray wasn't to his taste. She nudged him away roughly with my foot, hinting deeply for him to move before Roger found anything of interest in him.

"Leave him for now Alan, we have things to do." She gave one final glare to Faithful and followed Roger inside the classroom. Before she closed the door she could hear Faithful's final comment inside her head. _Nudge me again and I will scratch you to ribbons in your sleep. _She smiled to herself and quickly made her way through the desks to her seat, next to Jon's.

She sat tapping her pencil on the table, not really paying attention to Rogers monologue on possession. Her head hurt, it felt as if someone were squeezing it like a grape that was about to burst. "It would be prudent to take note of these symptoms which means you should pay attention!" said Roger angrily, slamming the book down on the desk next to Alanna's. Alanna jumped and looked around at the unfortunate victim of Roger's anger. Jon's head whipped around to Roger as the book was slammed on his desk.

"As much as you may care for your squire, cousin, I think he is quite well without you staring at him for the entirety of my class." Roger's words blurred together inside Alanna's head. The room started falling into less and less detail and slowly faded to black. Jon ignored Roger's annoyed ranting as he dived out of his seat, to stop her from hitting the floor.

Alanna woke up on a lumpy bed with a bad headache. It took her a second to realize the darkness around her was due to the fact that she hadn't opened her eyes yet. She forced her eyelids open, breaking through the many layers of sleep and tried to focus on the fuzzy room around her. After blinking a few times, she focused on the face above her and looked at it. Myles smiled down on her warmly and lifted a cup of something to her lips.

"Good to see you're back with us lad" Alanna took a mouthful of the substance in the cup and promptly spat it out. Myles laughed as she sat up, trying to get rid of the bitter taste in her mouth. She sat back against her pillows, now fully awake and observed the room. She was clearly in a medical room of sorts as all sorts of bottles and liquids lined shelves all across the room. Mismatched chairs were dotted around her bed from the various visitors that had been to see her.

Seeing her looking, Myles followed he gaze to the chairs. "You have quite a few admirers and well wishers, number one being your little friend he said, nodding to the chair next to her. Alanna looked down to see the little black fur ball that was Faithful, curled up on the seat. The only sign of movement was a swish in his tail every two minutes. He peeked open one eye and realized that she was awake.

Myles stood up and walked towards the door. "Prince Jonathan was another of your frequent visitors" he said without turning. Alanna froze, had he guessed, had he _seen_? Alanna slumped back on the pillows, her mind reeling. Faithful looked around at the door then back at Alanna. _I told you I should have come into Roger's lesson with you_. He said sarcastically.

"Was this your fault" Alanna hissed incredulously at him. Faithful jumped up on the bed and sat down on Alanna's knees. _Not at all, I am simply saying that I should have been there._ He said, he pawed the blanket a few times and lay down sleepily. "I wonder who I could have been." Alanna mused, stroking Faithful absentmindedly.

At that moment the door opened and Jon walked in. Alanna was too immersed in her thoughts to hear him walk over and drag out the chair. She suddenly noticed him and jumped up, sending a hissing Faithful catapulting off the bed and onto one of the other chairs.

Alanna looked at Jonathan startled. "You shouldn't sneak up on people like that. It's not polite!" Jonathan's face cracked into a smile. Inside her mind, Alanna was forcing herself to stay serious but soon enough her face cracked and she melted into giggles.

"Alanna…I…" He said, looking for the words to say what had obviously been stowed away inside him for days. "You've been here for three days." It was blindingly obvious that this wasn't what he had wanted to say but it was apparently the only thing that came to mind. But three days! What had happened? The last thing she remembered was fainting in Roger's class.

"Jon, I'm sorry." She said weakly. Jonathan leant over and kissed her forehead. His feelings hadn't changed, even if she had denied them. He would never give up on her, until the day she died.

"Regards have been sent from our merry king." He said in answer, passing me a dirty envelope. She looked down at it, George had obviously forgiven her as well. She ripped open the letter and read hurriedly.

_Alanna,_

_I heard you'd fallen ill. I took the liberty of telling your brother, he said he'd come and see you when he could but he was very busy. I hope you have it in your heart to forgive the fool I am for upsetting you and will meet me when you are well at the dancing dove._

_George_

Alanna folded the letter up and put it down. "What does he want?" Jonathan asked, almost defensively. Alanna stuffed the letter under her pillow and looked at him blankly. She wasn't entirely sure that the letter was something she wanted him to see.

"It's nothing, he just wants to see me" she said offhand. Jonathan reached across her to take the letter. Alanna grabbed his hand and stared at him incredulously. "What are you doing? I told you it was private, you should respect that decision." She said, deeply offended by his actions.

Jonathan matched her glare with a sickly green jealous one of his own. "Don't let jealously cloud your judgment of me Jonathan." She said slyly bringing her face closer to his. "I may be your squire but it does not give you the right to know every inch of my life."

Alanna threw his hand away from her and looked away from him, trying to communicate the end of the conversation. But Jonathan grabbed her face and forced her to look at him. "Don't ignore me Alanna! I am not just your knight and your prince but your lover." Alanna pulled away sharply and got out of bed.

Jonathan stood up and watched her as she pulled on a shirt and breeches and ran a battered comb through her hair. "What are you doing?" He said exasperatedly. She walked over to her pillow and pulled out the letter and stuffed it in a pocket. She walked towards the door and said to him, "I'm going to someone who doesn't demand anything of me but friendship."

Alanna slammed the door behind her and prayed he wouldn't follow. For the second time after a fight with Jonathan, she was going to George. It would have seemed strange to her but all she could think about was the boy she had left behind


	6. Chapter 6

SORRY IT'S TAKEN SO LONG! But here is chapter 6 and I cant promise chapter 7 too soon, sorry :/ I never really worked out how old George actually is but I thought he was about 3 or 4 years older than Alanna so that's what he is here.

6:

Alanna threw the remains of a neglected drink into the face of the sleeping barman. "Wake up you drunken idiot." Solom raised his head groggily and focused on the person standing before him. As Alanna came into focus he stood up straight as a pole "I'm here to see George. He asked for me" Solom nodded and led Alanna up the familiar back stairs to George's room.

Alanna banged on the door loudly and urgently. "George, get up!" Alanna heard a thump and someone scrambling around the room inside. A few seconds later the door opened revealing a shirtless George. Alanna, lost for words, could only run her eyes over his body.

"Got my note then?" her eyes flicked back to his face. Tears welled in her eyes, unstoppable tears, uncontrollable tears, tears she wiped away fast with her hand as George turned to lead her inside. She sat down heavily in a chair, head in hands, as George looked casually around his disheveled room.

Upon looking at her George pulled a chair up in front of her and sat, trying to catch a glimpse of her sad eyes. "Alanna?" He gently put his fingers under her chin and lifted it to look into her eyes. She looked anywhere but his eyes, desperate for a way to hide her emotions.

She blinked away a tear that was forming at the corner of her eye. But, heavy with liquid, it rolled down her cheek, leaving a glistening trail where it had been. George brushed it away, not looking at her eyes. Alanna took a shuddering breath as he brushed his lips against the fallen tear's trail.

"Tell me what's wrong. I want to look after you Alanna" Alanna drew back slightly. George pulled her back towards him, gently but firmly. Suddenly Alanna pressed he lips against his. She entirely expected him to pull away in disgust, but he kissed her back with a passion. Somehow Alanna ended up on the bed with George on top of her. She slid her hands across his bare chest

George gently took her hands. "This ain't what a girl who knows nothing of love does" Alanna sat up and looked at him with empty eyes. George swept her stray hairs away from her face. "I love you Alanna, but I don't want to be a fall back because you've fallen out with his royal highness" He got up and sat on the edge of the bed, his back to her. "I don't want to be your last resort."

Alanna sat up and crawled over to where he sat. She gently slid her hands around his waist and laid her flaming hair upon his back. "I don't know what I want yet." She said quietly into his smooth back. George ran a hand through his hair.

"If you had a choice, for someone to be with for the rest of your life, would you choose him?" George said, looking at her flaming head rested on his shoulder. Alanna was thrown by the question, she hadn't expected it at all, but now it had been asked, she couldn't help but wonder if she really would choose Jonathan. "I could look after you, be with you forever, without all those airs and graces needed. I wouldn't ever force you on me, because I love you and all I want is your happiness."

Alanna raised her head and looked at him. Her eyes were a maze of purple emotion and gazed into the swirling hopeful eyes of George. "I do not know yet." She said, pulling her eyes away. "But I do know that…you have never been a consolation prize, you never will be." He reached to put his arms around her and they sat there for minutes.

They sat undisturbed, talking about whatever came into their heads until the door banged open and crashed against the wall in a way that told Alanna she was in deep trouble. They looked around to see the figure on Jonathan standing in the doorway. He had the strangest expression on his face that she struggled to name but he was looking right at her with that sorry expression and it cut right to her core.

"You need to come back to the castle Alanna." He said with a tone that leaked heartbreak and sorrow and jealousy and filled the room with ropes of emotion that tied Alanna to her spot. George removed his arms from her and stood up. He stood protectively between Jonathan and Alanna, clearly showing that he wasn't taking her.

"Go, Jon. I will come when I wish to." Jonathan stood his ground, his jaw clenched, his gaze firmly fixed on George, whose hands had curled into fists. "Jon!" He broke the stare with George to glance at her. Behind his obvious anger there was a glint of pleading as he looked at her.

"I won't leave without you" He growled through gritted teeth. His eyes flicked between her dazzling purple eyes and George's angry face and bare chest. Alanna stood up and whispered something to George. He stopped glaring at Jonathan and had a whispered argument with her, his back to Jonathan. "If you are going to talk about me please do not neglect the fact that I am here" Jonathan said impatiently, glaring at George's back as if he were aiming arrows at it.

Alanna walked around George and picked up her cloak. George caught her arm and kissed the top of her head. She looked up at his face and swung her cloak around her shoulders as she turned and walked past Jonathan without a glance at his face. Jon gave George one last glare and followed her out.

Alanna strode up the street, attempting desperately to keep a steady pace. Jon caught up with her and fell into step with her. "Alanna?" he said looking at her. She ignored him, her eyes fixed on the cobbled path ahead. "Alanna, please. I didn't mean to upset you…" Alanna stopped so suddenly that it took him a few minutes to realize and he turned back to her.

"What were you doing there _your majesty_?" She said cruelly, she didn't know why she wanted to hurt him with it but she hated for him to have control over her. "The _prince of Tortall_ shouldn't be going into the city alone at night." She said walking past him.

Jonathan grabbed her arm, stopping her dead. She looked at his hand in almost surprise at his grip on her arm. "Alanna, don't do this. You know why I came." He released her arm and turned away. "Maybe I shouldn't have cared at all. I could see you were in caring arms already" He sounded so hurt that it hurt her too, it cut into her soul.

Jon tried to fight back his tears and put his fist, hard, into the wall of a house. Alanna jumped and started to back away. All she could think was run, run as far and fast as she could. She turned tail and sprinted through the maze of streets that George had taught her so well.

It only took his a second to realize she had gone and follow full sprint. They twisted and turned Alanna always one step ahead of him. When she got to a point where she couldn't hear his footsteps anymore, she stopped for breath. She stood up straight and looked around, nothing. There was a narrow alleyway that led to the servant's door of the castle. Diving down it, she ran straight into something solid.

Before she could scream, a hand was over her mouth and she was being dragged towards the castle. Once out of the alleyway, Alanna was released. She turned to look at her attacker, sure enough; Jon was standing there, forlorn and broken-hearted. "Go then. I've tried to show you that you can feel love and that you do, but you can't. Just go Alan, GO!"

Alanna turned, not wanting to see the tears pouring from his eyes.


	7. Chapter 7

Warning, this chapter gets XD It's the very mature end of T rated :P. I didn't think it was entirely necessary to change the rating because of one or 2 slightly more 'suggestive chapters'. And it gets less steamy, really XP

7:

The door between Alanna and Jonathan's room was very slightly ajar. Alanna sat there considering whether to go in or not, as she reached for the door, the main door of his room opened revealing, Delia!

"I saw you coming in, you seemed upset" she said in her sickly sweet honey tone. He was sat down on the bed, his hair a mess, his head in his hands. When he raised it to look at Delia, it was stained with tears. Delia walked over and started to wipe away his tears with her sleeve.

"Please don't cry Jonathan, you'll make me cry too." She put her lips to his wet cheeks, kissing away his tears. "Now, tell me what's wrong", she said, sitting on the bed behind him, her porcelain chin rested on his shoulder.

"I've done something Delia, something I regret so immensely. And I need something to just make me forget." He said his voice shaking as he spoke. Alanna was confused what had he done that was so terrible? Nothing Alanna could recall fitted the description.

Delia slid her hands up underneath Jonathan's shirt. "So you need…a distraction?" She whispered in a poor attempt at sensuality. She kissed his shoulder, then his neck, then his jaw. "I could provide a good distraction." She swung her leg from beneath her flimsy night dress and wrapped it around him.

Jonathan ran his hand along it softly, then through it off. "That is not the distraction I want Delia." He said sternly, standing up and walking a few paces away. Delia sat on the bed; her skirt had crept up her leg to just above her knees, revealing slender, smooth legs. The top of her nightdress was sliding off one shoulder in a way that Alanna could tell was deliberate.

"I'm sorry Jon, I just wanted to show you that I care about you" She said, hanging her head in mock shame and embarrassment. He turned to her and walked back to her. He lifted her chin, the way he had to Alanna so many times, and kissed her violently. She kissed back with the same steamy passion.

Delia began to lie back on the bed and Jonathan climbed onto the bed as well. He began to slide the other side of her nightdress off. She roughly pulled off his shirt and threw it aside. He grabbed her and…

Alanna turned away sharply. She brought her hand to her face and found it wet. She could hear every sound coming from the room next door and it was crushing her. She got up as quietly as she could and went to the furthest corner of the room and clamped her hands over her ears. Tears streamed down her face and she squeezed her eyes shut so as not to see the shadows dancing on the wall.

When the shadows ceased to dance and the rooms ceased to echo with noise, Alanna uncovered her ears and opened her eyes. She heard talking from the other room and went back to listen at the door. "Was that a good enough distraction?" Delia said, lying quite happily with Jonathan. Alanna gritted her teeth and tried not to resume her tears.

Jonathan's face remained emotionless as Delia ran her hands over him. He looked at the door to Alanna's room. "Do you think he heard us?" Delia said playfully. Jonathan shook his head and looked back at her. Delia rolled onto him and laid her hair across his chest. Jonathan looked again at the door.

Right then they both wished Alanna was in Delia's place. Delia knelt up, he knees either side of his hips. "Need some more distraction?" she said, her fingers dancing across his body.

Jonathan sat up and lifted her off roughly. "Not now Delia." He pulled on his shirt and passed the neglected nightdress to Delia, "you'd better go before you're missed." Delia sullenly pulled on her nightdress and left the room silently.

Jon sat down at his desk and pulled some parchment towards him. Alanna slunk away from the door and crawled into bed, trying not to let her head be filled with images of what she'd seen and heard.

The next morning Alanna had agreed to go riding with Gary. She needed something to take her mind off things so she saddled Moonlight and went with Gary to the woods for a long ride. Gary had been giving her odd looks all day and Alanna finally asked him why.

"Gary, you've been giving me odd looks the whole ride, is there something on your mind?" She asked casually. Gary looked at her again, slowing down his horse a little so as to make Alanna do the same.

"Everyone seems to be in an odd mood today. Delia seems to be overly happy and light, you seem like there is huge weight on your shoulders and even Jon is walking around depressed and sullen." He said as Alanna slowed the horse. Faithful slinked out of his little cup and onto Moonlight's head._ I think you should just tell him you know, it would make things so much easier._

"I have no idea what's going on with Jon and Delia, but I am just a little tired." Gary looked at her exasperatedly, obviously not believing a word.

"Alan, I know you have a secret, something you can't tell us, but if it's upsetting you, at least tell me what I can do to help" He reached across and grabbed her hand tightly in a gesture of brotherly friendship.

"Thank you Gary but there is nothing you can do; I have no secrets that I have not told you." Gary let go of her arm annoyed.

"I know you are hiding something! I do not care if you cannot tell me just do not lie to me and tell me there is nothing wrong when I can see it across your face!"

"Gary, please, I'm doing this to help." Alanna said desperately, her sweaty hands clenched on moonlight's reins.

"To help who? Yourself? Jon?" He sighed and looked at her with deep disappointment "We'll talk again when you want to be truthful." Gary rode off away from Alanna, leaving her alone with her thoughts.

What if Gary knew? Her world was falling apart and she was losing everyone she cared about. She went forlornly back to her room at the end of the day, her mood none improved throughout the day.

On her bed were a few pages of parchment which she picked up curiously and read with growing interest.


	8. Chapter 8

One day, years later, I re-read this fanfic and realized… I want another chapter, so I am so sorry, truly I am, to those people who have actually waited a year or more for it, but here it is, chapter 8. A lot has changed since I wrote the last uploaded chapter in my personal life, I've grown up and realized how petty some of my characters become occasionally so you never know, I may have come out of this long break with a new writing style, hope you like the chapter, Addicted2Daydreaming.

8:

_Alanna,_

_There are so many words that may appear upon this page and I only wish that my pen would not shake as I force my hand to move in the creation of words. I do not even know if I intend these words to be read but the movement of the pen in the formation of my written feelings feels more soothing than pretending they don't exist. I have to tell you everything that is in my heart or I may explode with the restrained emotions, so wild that they run with horses across the plains, insane and free._

_You have never been ordinary Alanna, only the extraordinary traits in life were given to you. I've known since I met you that there was something different about you, something that didn't fit with everything else that you had told me. You were an enigma to a troubled soul who was hard set on unraveling your great and wondered mystery. You seemed so wild and exotic, I wanted to know you and soak up all that adventure and light that you emit with your presence. I think that is where my love for you started; there was no way to see forward from there. In hindsight, I would not change a single second that I have spent since meeting you but the events of the last few weeks._

_I grew so close to you; so close it almost hurt not to reach out and touch your skin. But I resisted you, for as long as I could. You felt like a flower that if one touches, its beauty withers and dies and is locked away forever as a punishment to the man who tried to defile it. The sirens called towards my soul and seduced me with your violet eyes and honeyed words. Those eyes; your eyes that sang a thousand songs and told a thousand tales to me all at once and not one of them said I love you. I hoped one day that love song would be written and dancing among the others in your radiant eyes when you looked into mine._

_Last night, when I told you to leave, I swear to you I did not mean it. To stand in the room I write this in and know the reason you are not in that room next door is my doing is equal to if I had saddled your horse and sent you alone and broken riding away into the night. I love you more that I can put down in words. Words are so limited and no matter how elaborate he phrase that wraps around the soul and radiates with passion, it cannot describe with total absolution the feelings of love and passion If God created any more radiant Eve than the one who broke from the holy garden then I swear by all that I hold that you are her. _

_I am eternally tired of this tension between us, you deny your feelings and it destroys me inside. Love is not a monster to be conquered and crushed. Your whole life does not have to be a fight, you may be a knight but you cannot dehumanize yourself because you wish to be a fearless hunter and protector. To me, love makes us stronger, I am strong for you Alanna, despite the fact you tell me you cannot love. I hold myself with mighty ropes to hold myself from hurting you with feelings you do nothing but deny. I would be the great titan Atlas and carry the skies upon my shoulders for eons at a time simply at your request and let them crush me if you wish it so but the pain would not be so great, the wound not so deep as the ones you give me now. Nor I suspect the ones I have given you._

_I know you saw me and Delia together and there is nothing in my life I have ever regretted more. She is the cruelest type of girl who craves attention and physical pleasure above all else in life and I wished nothing but that witch gone and you by my side. It sounds so weak to put it that way but there are no plainer and more honest terms that can be written to express the magnitude of negative emotion I feel towards the events of that night. I know how much it must have hurt you but believe me; she means nothing to me, every moment I was wishing it was you I was with. Had our positions been reversed, I would have nothing for it all would have been destroyed in my hopeless anger and despair. I would wish that no beauty in the world may exist and certainly not be within my grasp if you were not by my side. Every part of me has been painfully regretting pushing you away last night. Losing you does not even seem possible, there was a time when you were absent from my life but it does not matter, to me, nothing matters outside of my love for you and I only hope I have not lost you forever._

_I do not ask for forgiveness as I do not deserve it. I do not ask for love, as I do not believe you ill give it to me. I ask you not to fill your heart with hatred for what I have done to you. I ask you not to look at me with contempt that poisons your eternally luminously bright violet eyes. I would wait for eternity for you to tell me you love me; but please…my heart is already breaking so please Alanna, don't delay._

_Jon_

Alanna released the letter as if a pulse of energy had repelled it from her. The lump his words had created in her throat was choking her as she fought back the tidal wave of emotion that threatened to engulf her in a typhoon of more situations she could not understand. She put her hands on the bed, either side of the paper to stop herself from falling hard to the cold stone floor of her room. Violent shudders shook her body as the waves of feelings battered against her metaphorical floodgates.

The voice that broke the grave silence in the room resonated around Alanna's head and made her jump in shock at the realization she had an observer. "There are no more words left in my heart that I can say to you, they are all in that letter. Burn it if you will, but I do not want you to." His voice was so forlorn and hollow that Alanna turned to see his face but the barrier between their two rooms had shut and Jonathan had shut her in alone.

The weight of his words brought every emotion Alanna was capable of feeling crashing down on her at once in one big avalanche of emotional pain. Her knees gave way and she barely felt herself crash down into a disfigured heap on the slabs of the floor. She sunk her teeth hard into her arm to disguise the cry of anguish that ripped from her throat and tears fell from her eyes as if they intended to fall for an eternity.

For hour upon hour that night she lay in a curled up ball on the floor. When her eyes ran dry and her thoughts could not be thought over yet another time, she dragged herself to her feet and tested to see if she had the strength to stand. She went to the door between her and Jon and pulled at it to open.

It was locked, the door was never locked, Alanna hadn't even known the door had a lock. Why would he lock her out? Had she become that despicable in his eyes, his letter said otherwise? She resolved to use the other door and gingerly knocked on Jonathan's other door, praying he would answer

"If that's you Delia, I'm afraid I am busy" He shouted through the door in a shaky voice that spoke every terrible thing had made him feel and feared to find inside. Alanna banged again, determined to see him, she was not Delia and she would not leave him to think so. She beat her fist against the wood with a force that made her hand burn with pain yet she continued anyway to bang and bang until she could hear the movement of her sad prince inside as he came towards the door.

It opened revealing a shirtless Jon. She took a second to soak him in and observe him in the new light he had cast upon himself. At seeing it was Alanna, the emotion in his face was apparent and it shot through Alanna as if she herself had been stabbed. She quickly reminded herself that she had no right to think like this for she was the one who had done true wrong. Their eyes locked and so many silent conversations were exchanged between them. Silently he backed against the door to let her in past him.

The prince shut the door but did not turn to face her; his hands stayed firmly on the door, his head hung. Alanna turned away from him, the pain of it all tearing at her, bit by bit. Time seemed to slow and stop, for minutes nothing was said as Alanna took a huge interest in the swirling patterns of the rug on the floor and Jon got to know the wood of the door for every splinter that it held. When he spoke it cut the silence so sharply Alanna winced.

"If you are only here to mock me, and break my spirit with your silence, then your purpose has been fulfilled. You have broken me, now I am a weak man Alanna." Alanna broke away from the carpet and looked at him shaking her head slowly. She did not even know herself why she came here. Thoughts of what she may say in reply flew around her head but no single thought remained long enough to develop into something to say. "I never should have sent you that letter. Now you know things that have filled you with unnecessary guilt simply because I put it there. There is no need to pretend you care to spare my feeling any longer; I don't think I could take a lie."

Alanna swallowed and searched her mouth for a tongue to speak with. "You're not weak." Was the most she could emit from her mouth; It came forth in a barely audible whisper that gently brushed across the room. Jon slowly raised his head as he heard her words. Alanna took it as a sign of hope and repeated her words slightly louder. Jon turned to face her with an unreadable expression on his face, he laughed sarcastically and Alanna shrank back inside herself like a wounded puppy.

"Every blundered step I take leads towards another wall that I must climb to find my way to you, only to find that on the other side of the mighty hurdle lays the long road to another" He said laughing in such a hollow manner that Alanna felt her eyes begin to water. He strode over to her and stood over her in a stance that Alanna saw as almost menacing. "Are you here to spite me?" He snarled at her in such a tone that Alanna could not recognize that it was still Jonathan. She felt the wet track of a falling tear roll down her face as he grabbed her chin and tilted her face so he may look at her. Her eyes closed and shut tight as he studied her face, her chin still firmly within his grasp. "Are you here to spite me!" he shouted into her face, his voice cracking with the emotion.

A whimper escaped Alanna as she shook in his hands. "No" She whispered so inaudibly she wasn't even sure she had said it aloud. "No… no, I'm not." She said in the same whispered voice as she felt his hands let go of her. She opened her eyes to see Jon stumble like a blind man, scrambling backwards until he hit the edge of his bed and grasped it tight.

"I don't know what you do to me. I don't know how I feel. But I miss you in a way that is impossible because you are here. I miss you in a way that hurts my head when I think about you and you make me so dizzy I can't see straight. You scare me Jon" He stared at her, such hope glimmering in his eyes. "I'm just so scared…" She repeated, squeezing herself tightly and looking down at her feet intently. He closed his eyes, bathing in her words, soaking up the meaning, swimming in the hope for a future.

He lay back on the bed, deep in thought, Alanna looked at him, waiting for his reply but no words came. She walked to the door without a word or murmur. The cold metal handle under her fingers twisted as she made it and she slid the bolt free, a long creak came as the door swung open. Alanna turned to look at the shirtless boy on the bed. It cut her that he would not look at her. "Goodnight your highness. I am sorry to have disturbed you."

Alanna snapped the door behind her and slunk back to her chambers. She slipped silently into bed and pulled her sheets close around her like a protective cocoon. She stared into the darkness of her room and mulled over her thoughts again. She felt the other side of the bed sink slightly as if there were weight on it and then it went back to how it was. She decided to ignore it and return to her thoughts, nothing would be there, it was all her imagination wishing her prince would curl up next to her, and she was sure it was only that.

Thoughts of Jonathan filled her head and she broke the silence with her whispered confession to the darkness, "I love you Jonathan." She shuddered as an arm she had not expected to be there touched her. The long arm snaked around her waist and squeezed her back against the strong and solid torso of its owner. Another hand brushed her hair delicately aside and she felt soft wet lips against her throat.

His voice floated through the darkness and reached Alanna, confirming the identity of her strange visitor.

"I know, Alanna. I just wanted to make sure you knew too…"


End file.
